time to smoke my breakfast
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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