i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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