I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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