I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
