suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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