took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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