Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
