You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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