Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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