I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
well you can't waste a boner
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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