I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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