Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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