he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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