True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
