There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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