nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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