god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
