I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
