I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize