I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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