You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
