There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
