dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
