Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
