I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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