I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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