i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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