i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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