I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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