Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
