I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
