2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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