you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
