i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
