Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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