And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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