I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
