Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
