Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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