last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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