I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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