i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
