My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
