when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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