Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
