He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
