How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
