Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
