my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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