I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
tell me about the eggs
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
