like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
