Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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