If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
