This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
