apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im holly from the hills drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
