The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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