So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
