If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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