I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
