god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
